The Black and White of Infertility

It was at this point last year that I realized I was in a really unhealthy mental and emotional state. I knew I needed to pursue counseling, but the holiday season threw off my time line.

I wanted to find a way to describe infertility through my eyes, the person walking through it, going through all the appointments, treatments, and ups and downs. Sometimes I felt words were insufficient. I began taking pictures on my phone of some really raw moments. I am NOT a photographer or artist. But these photos did capture some hard moments when words fell short.

As we approach the holiday season, I remember being so sad at this time last year. You can even see our Christmas tree in the background of some of these pictures. However, I look at my life now, a full year later, and it's unreal how much has changed.

I hope to remind you to be sensitive to those who may be hurting this holiday season. I just knew several Christmases ago we'd have a baby by the next Christmas. The next Christmas came and we didn't. I knew we'd have a baby the following Christmas, and we didn't. So last year I did not allow myself to envision Christmas 2017 with a child. I didn't want to be let down. 

So here's my very grainy, unpolished "collection" of photos from my iPhone I started taking about this time last year that catches a glimpse of infertility. They're black and white, because many days that's really how I saw and felt things.

Casual reading during the holiday season. I'm working on a post with books and blogs I appreciated.

Chapter 15 was life changing. 

Charts on charts on charts on charts of fertility tracking (this was all that could fit in the picture). I have so many more. These helped me get pregnant, but also made me hyper-aware of my infertility, having to think about it and track it every single day.

Surgery consent. "I understand there is no guarantee as to the success of this operation."

I missed work this day I was so sad. 

My home away from home, hanging out with Dr. Gray.

Chris bought many a bouquet of flowers over the last few years for those terrible days. 

Rejection comes in lots of different ways, example one. 

Example 2


I started collecting my meds last year around this time. The box is overflowing now. It's hard to get rid of. It's a reminder of God's work in my life. I was hopeful I would be able to look back on it as a marker of His faithfulness. 

A kind friend left this on my porch on Mother's Day.

Surround yourself with Truth, always. 

I got blood work done every other day for a a stretch of time. I became really good friends with my lab techs. I knew I'd be seeing them often, so I took them candy on day one and asked them to please be kind to me. They have been so kind. Thanks, Ms. Olivia and Ms. Christy, for being so motherly and nurturing to me. 


Every month I would go to the Dollar Tree and stock up on tests. Lord knows these things can break the bank. I used to be so embarrassed checking out with 65 pregnancy tests. I got over it. 

Have I mentioned I love my doctor?  I ended these pictures with a happy one. 

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