All Aboard the Fact, Faith, Feeling Train
Continuing to talk about grief, I want to share with you how grieving has affected my faith. I wish I could say that I met infertility with a strong, deep belief in the goodness of Jesus, and that I had some really spiritual response as I moved through my grief.
I am sorry to say that I had the opposite reaction. As a person of faith in Jesus, I believe that everything I do and everything I go through comes through the hand of God. I firmly believe that God is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe and by Him, to Him, and through Him are all of our experiences in life.
But how does this faith in God work when He hands us pain, brokenness, and grief? How can His goodness allow such pain?
These are all huge questions that I realize can make or break people's faith. I don't pretend to understand or know fully how to answer these questions, but what I can do is tell you about my experience in exploring them.
When I sat down to do my intake with my counselor, she asked me a very pointed question.
"Do you feel like this is the most traumatic thing you've ever gone through?"
And the answer was YES.
Because of this, it brought up questions about my faith I have never thought about, walked through, or even remotely dealt with before. That exploration has been rough. It has been challenging and at times confusing.
But where I am today, friends, I am more sure of God's faithfulness and goodness than I have ever been in my life. I didn't get here overnight, but I am here!
Guys, I am going to let you in on a little something that truly changed my life. That sounds so dramatic, but it really isn't. It is a basic, even elementary concept, that somehow I never understood...
Shout out to my girl Angie Roberts for leading a bible study two summers ago that talked about identity in Christ. She is such a wise woman that you just want to sit at her feet and listen if that wasn't a creepy thing to do.
She enlightened me to this concept of the Fact, Faith, Feeling Train. This is probably trade marked somewhere, and I probably need permission to write about it and share this picture I googled, but it's important, so whatever.
I am a person of great, deep emotion. Most people that know me laughed at that sentence, because you all know I can cry as easy as I breath. I believe the Lord God made me to be a sensitive person with all of these emotions, because I believe that is what enables me to be an empathetic person and to love others well.
However, just like any good gift, in our sin we can make it not so good. Because I feel things so deeply, I sometimes allow my feelings to dictate truth in my life. I may know something is true, but if it doesn't feel that way, then it's actually probably not true. There in lies the rub.
This constant struggle of what is true versus what feels true. What is truly right versus what feels right.
Sensitive people and people of great emotion, this is our hang up so often isn't it? Sometimes our emotions can feel like the truest thing around us. I do think that there are threads of truth in our emotions. However, the enemy wants nothing more than for us to run and believe half truths.
In my pain I would think, "If God was a Good Father, He wouldn't allow me to hurt so deeply. If He truly loved me, He wouldn't make us walk this path to have a family. If He actually listened to my prayers and cries, He would have given us a child by now. He will surely let me down and disappoint me."
Cute, huh?
I allowed my emotions to dictate what I thought about God. I have never doubted His presence or existence in all of this, but I have thought some pretty crappy things about Him.
In C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, he says (paraphrasing) that in his grief He was never afraid that he would doubt the existence of God, but he was fearful he would attribute things to God's character that were not true. This really summarizes where I was in my spiritual life for quite some time. I attributed things that were not true to God's character because of how I felt.
In saying all of that, let's talk about this whole FFF Train thing. You can see in the picture that the locomotive that leads and guides the rest of the train is the Facts. Then comes our faith cart, then our feelings caboose.
The train MUST stay in this order. When it gets out of order, it won't operate correctly. All of these carts have a place, an order, and a function. When they are rearranged, everything gets thrown off.
When I make decisions about God based on how I feel, I am allowing the Feelings caboose to get in front of the Facts and my Faith. That is when I start thinking and believing things like God is not good because He has inflicted me with this pain of infertility.
If I had my train in order, when I have emotional thoughts like that I can say, "Okay, what do I know about God's goodness? What does scripture say?"
I believe that the Word of God is true, perfect, and right. There is no lie that sits in it. The Word of God is my Facts. If I truly believe that, then I believe it when the Psalmist says Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His love endures forever (Psalm 136:1). I believe it when Scripture says Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8)! I must know it is true when the Word says, You are good and what you do is good (Psalm 119:68). It is right when I read You withhold no good thing from your people (Psalm 84:11).
If I believe those things to be Truth, they are my facts and they steer my train. That filters into my faith. Faith is choosing to believe those things even when I cannot see or understand them. This is where a choice comes in. Am I going to believe and walk in truth or will I believe what I feel is true? If I choose to believe that the Lord is good, then it filters through to my feelings caboose. I then get to wrestle through those feelings and say God IS good no matter how I feel because that is what Scripture says.
That sounds somewhat mechanical and maybe borderline brain-washy. My Myers-Brigg is ISFJ (shout out to all my Myers-Brigg people!). I have super high feelings and emotional aspects in my personality, but I also deeply value structure and see things very black and white. This FFF Train helps me eliminate blurry emotions and think very black and white. Either something is true or it isn't. There really is no in between.
In her book The Broken Way, Ann Voskamp reminds us that feelings are meant to be fully felt then fully surrendered to God. She also points out the word emotion derives from the Latin word for movement. Our emotions are meant to move us into deeper connection with Christ.
Emotions don't control me. They don't get to dictate truth in my life. They have purpose and are meant to be fully felt and fully explored, but they don't have the last word.
If you want to check out people who have lots of emotions and how they walked with the Lord, just read the book of Psalms. So. Many. Emotions.
Infertility is a season the enemy loves to lurk and lead you to believe lies about God and yourself. He wants nothing more than to see you lose sight of the goodness of Jesus and think of yourself as a shameful failure and that He has forgotten you.
Somehow that has to be fought. It is so exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally it is exhausting because you're having to be engaged every moment of every day fighting off lies. Literally every second of the day my brain is swirling, trying to discern if what I'm feeling is true. Taking every thought captive comes to life in a whole new way I never knew existed.
Some days I am so tired and can't fight. This is where my support squad is key. My husband is so great at tenderly pointing me back to truth. Not in a brash, righteous way, but one of grace and love. I have friends that write me cards that I keep and literally read everyday so their truth can pour over me. I need the Jesus in my brother and sister when the Jesus in me is weak.
I have scripture in every corner of my office so I can be reminded at all times where my Truth lies. If I find a song that speaks to a lie I'm really struggling with, I listen to it 50 times in a row until it sinks in.
Ultimately I have to choose to wash myself in Truth every day. If I don't, the enemy will lead my mind so quickly astray. I know this is true for so many people walking through hard seasons, and it doesn't just pertain to infertility.
Stay grounded in Truth, friends.
I am sorry to say that I had the opposite reaction. As a person of faith in Jesus, I believe that everything I do and everything I go through comes through the hand of God. I firmly believe that God is the Creator and Sustainer of the universe and by Him, to Him, and through Him are all of our experiences in life.
But how does this faith in God work when He hands us pain, brokenness, and grief? How can His goodness allow such pain?
These are all huge questions that I realize can make or break people's faith. I don't pretend to understand or know fully how to answer these questions, but what I can do is tell you about my experience in exploring them.
When I sat down to do my intake with my counselor, she asked me a very pointed question.
"Do you feel like this is the most traumatic thing you've ever gone through?"
And the answer was YES.
Because of this, it brought up questions about my faith I have never thought about, walked through, or even remotely dealt with before. That exploration has been rough. It has been challenging and at times confusing.
But where I am today, friends, I am more sure of God's faithfulness and goodness than I have ever been in my life. I didn't get here overnight, but I am here!
Guys, I am going to let you in on a little something that truly changed my life. That sounds so dramatic, but it really isn't. It is a basic, even elementary concept, that somehow I never understood...
Shout out to my girl Angie Roberts for leading a bible study two summers ago that talked about identity in Christ. She is such a wise woman that you just want to sit at her feet and listen if that wasn't a creepy thing to do.
She enlightened me to this concept of the Fact, Faith, Feeling Train. This is probably trade marked somewhere, and I probably need permission to write about it and share this picture I googled, but it's important, so whatever.
I am a person of great, deep emotion. Most people that know me laughed at that sentence, because you all know I can cry as easy as I breath. I believe the Lord God made me to be a sensitive person with all of these emotions, because I believe that is what enables me to be an empathetic person and to love others well.
However, just like any good gift, in our sin we can make it not so good. Because I feel things so deeply, I sometimes allow my feelings to dictate truth in my life. I may know something is true, but if it doesn't feel that way, then it's actually probably not true. There in lies the rub.
This constant struggle of what is true versus what feels true. What is truly right versus what feels right.
Sensitive people and people of great emotion, this is our hang up so often isn't it? Sometimes our emotions can feel like the truest thing around us. I do think that there are threads of truth in our emotions. However, the enemy wants nothing more than for us to run and believe half truths.
In my pain I would think, "If God was a Good Father, He wouldn't allow me to hurt so deeply. If He truly loved me, He wouldn't make us walk this path to have a family. If He actually listened to my prayers and cries, He would have given us a child by now. He will surely let me down and disappoint me."
Cute, huh?
I allowed my emotions to dictate what I thought about God. I have never doubted His presence or existence in all of this, but I have thought some pretty crappy things about Him.
In C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, he says (paraphrasing) that in his grief He was never afraid that he would doubt the existence of God, but he was fearful he would attribute things to God's character that were not true. This really summarizes where I was in my spiritual life for quite some time. I attributed things that were not true to God's character because of how I felt.
In saying all of that, let's talk about this whole FFF Train thing. You can see in the picture that the locomotive that leads and guides the rest of the train is the Facts. Then comes our faith cart, then our feelings caboose.
The train MUST stay in this order. When it gets out of order, it won't operate correctly. All of these carts have a place, an order, and a function. When they are rearranged, everything gets thrown off.
When I make decisions about God based on how I feel, I am allowing the Feelings caboose to get in front of the Facts and my Faith. That is when I start thinking and believing things like God is not good because He has inflicted me with this pain of infertility.
If I had my train in order, when I have emotional thoughts like that I can say, "Okay, what do I know about God's goodness? What does scripture say?"
I believe that the Word of God is true, perfect, and right. There is no lie that sits in it. The Word of God is my Facts. If I truly believe that, then I believe it when the Psalmist says Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His love endures forever (Psalm 136:1). I believe it when Scripture says Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8)! I must know it is true when the Word says, You are good and what you do is good (Psalm 119:68). It is right when I read You withhold no good thing from your people (Psalm 84:11).
If I believe those things to be Truth, they are my facts and they steer my train. That filters into my faith. Faith is choosing to believe those things even when I cannot see or understand them. This is where a choice comes in. Am I going to believe and walk in truth or will I believe what I feel is true? If I choose to believe that the Lord is good, then it filters through to my feelings caboose. I then get to wrestle through those feelings and say God IS good no matter how I feel because that is what Scripture says.
That sounds somewhat mechanical and maybe borderline brain-washy. My Myers-Brigg is ISFJ (shout out to all my Myers-Brigg people!). I have super high feelings and emotional aspects in my personality, but I also deeply value structure and see things very black and white. This FFF Train helps me eliminate blurry emotions and think very black and white. Either something is true or it isn't. There really is no in between.
In her book The Broken Way, Ann Voskamp reminds us that feelings are meant to be fully felt then fully surrendered to God. She also points out the word emotion derives from the Latin word for movement. Our emotions are meant to move us into deeper connection with Christ.
Emotions don't control me. They don't get to dictate truth in my life. They have purpose and are meant to be fully felt and fully explored, but they don't have the last word.
If you want to check out people who have lots of emotions and how they walked with the Lord, just read the book of Psalms. So. Many. Emotions.
Infertility is a season the enemy loves to lurk and lead you to believe lies about God and yourself. He wants nothing more than to see you lose sight of the goodness of Jesus and think of yourself as a shameful failure and that He has forgotten you.
Somehow that has to be fought. It is so exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, and emotionally it is exhausting because you're having to be engaged every moment of every day fighting off lies. Literally every second of the day my brain is swirling, trying to discern if what I'm feeling is true. Taking every thought captive comes to life in a whole new way I never knew existed.
Some days I am so tired and can't fight. This is where my support squad is key. My husband is so great at tenderly pointing me back to truth. Not in a brash, righteous way, but one of grace and love. I have friends that write me cards that I keep and literally read everyday so their truth can pour over me. I need the Jesus in my brother and sister when the Jesus in me is weak.
I have scripture in every corner of my office so I can be reminded at all times where my Truth lies. If I find a song that speaks to a lie I'm really struggling with, I listen to it 50 times in a row until it sinks in.
Ultimately I have to choose to wash myself in Truth every day. If I don't, the enemy will lead my mind so quickly astray. I know this is true for so many people walking through hard seasons, and it doesn't just pertain to infertility.
Stay grounded in Truth, friends.
Your ability to describe the roller coaster of emotions of infertility is painfully beautiful. It's as if you opened up the deepest parts of my mind/heart/soul, dug out all the thoughts and emotions I have struggled with in my fertility journey, and articulated them a million times better than I could ever imagine doing so myself. I remember all too well the constant struggle of having to choose to not believe the lies of the enemy and my own emotions - especially feeling forgotten, overlooked, and even unloved despite KNOWING this to be completely impossible in light of God's promises. Thanks for sharing your gift of writing and offering up your struggle in such a transparent way to help others. I know this is blessing many walking through dark and confusing seasons. Love you and praying for you always.
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