From Infertility to Pregnancy
Literally in a matter of two minutes, the wait for a pregnancy test to work, I moved from infertility to pregnancy.
In the blink of an eye, everything in our world changed, yet nothing in our world really changed? We had those two pink lines which meant life, but we still had 9 months to go until we would welcome our baby. This transition from infertility to pregnancy was incredibly odd, exciting, overwhelming, amazing, and bizarre all at once.
We had waited and waited and prayed and prayed and BAM there were those two lines we had so desperately yearned for. It felt like the highest high, but I also felt really detached as well? I know that sounds really ungrateful, but it's really hard to describe that moment. I wish I had better words. I think it felt unbelievable, like this wasn't our story, but I was watching someone else's story unfold. There was no way this could be happening to us. It felt like an outer body experience, that I was watching someone else walk through.
*Side note* Strangely one of my first thoughts was, OH THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GOING TO THE DOLLAR TREE AND BUYING 75 PREGNANCY TESTS AT ONCE! All the cashiers knew me and knew what I was buying when I stepped into their line. It was one of those experiences that infertility forced me to invite strangers into a really intimate place, not by choice. Infertility has a way of riding you of all privacy.
I think I expected our sorrow to completely disappear or be replaced only with joy, BECAUSE WE WERE PREGNANT!
However, it didn't happen quite like that. It took me much longer to shake the haunting effects of infertility. The cloud lingered and stuck around for quite some time. I wanted so badly to shake the hurts of infertility loose, but sometimes the heart and brain need a minute to catch up to reality.
I think I expected a switch to go off in my mind, sad to happy! Disappointed to fulfilled! Pain to rejoicing! But I'm learning moving from the depths of grief into seasons of light sometimes don't transition that seamlessly, at least for me it didn't.
Things like baby showers and baby dedications were still really scary to me, and I couldn't exactly tell you why. Habit? Fear? Or maybe the enemy was still whispering in my ear? Possibly all of that? I really don't know.
The first trimester was terrifying because the "M" word haunted me. Miscarriage.
One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Low progesterone can lead to miscarriages, and I was on progesterone supplements because mine was so low. I was terrified our good news, our season of light and life would end. Everything has been so painful and so dark, why would we experience anything so good? Surely, this goodness won't last. It was hard to attach to such a good gift, because I was terrified it would be stripped away from us.
I found it difficult to emotionally attach and accept the news in the first trimester. We were starting to tell friends and family who were obviously THRILLED for us, and sometimes I felt like I had to force excitement, because I kept myself detached. I was terrified something would happen.
Let me pause here and talk to some people. Friends who have had a miscarriage, I am sorry. The word itself sounds so passive, but it's not a passive experience. It's loss and traumatizing loss at that, so I don't write about miscarriage lightly. I know just the word itself can stir pain in your heart. I am deeply sorry. I'm sorry that one of my greatest fears was actually a reality for you. Your strength to endure is inspiring. I pray Jesus continues to minister to and heal your heart.
I think if I could sum up my first trimester of pregnancy, it would be described as an outer body experience. It didn't feel real, or maybe I wouldn't let it feel real out of fear. It's truly hard to describe. Some of that has lingered throughout my pregnancy, but it has decreased greatly now that we know we're having a daughter, she has a name, I feel her move, and have seen her precious face.
As we progressed out of our first trimester, my heart was starting to catch up and feel excitement. However I hit a new bump. I desperately wanted to find a sweet balance in celebrating the work God had done by giving us this baby, but I also wanted to be considerate of and sensitive to friends still longing for a child.
I think it's important to speak about the victories God has brought into our lives. He has done a great work and He is greatly to be praised for that! I do not feel any shame about my pregnancy. I feel thankful, grateful, and in awe that the Lord has given us this miracle.
However, I want to be considerate to those around me. I know that the mere presence of my rounded belly when I walk into a room will pour salt into wounds for some. I've been there, I know that feeling all too well. I know that pictures of ultrasounds can send you into a tailspin. *Spoiler there is a picture at the end of this post if that will be difficult for you.* I know that hearing another woman have an ultrasound done and the loud thuds of her baby's heartbeat bouncing off the walls can make you stare blankly at the wall while you wait in the hallway just to see if your deathly silent ultrasound will merely confirm if you ovulated at all this month, or if you're on the correct dosage of medicine.
I know those feelings of devastating pain all too well, and I want to prevent casting those feelings onto others if I can. I never want to hide or be ashamed of my pregnancy, but I also don't want to unnecessarily flaunt my baby which can unintentionally be hurtful. It's a tricky balance. I want to fully enjoy my pregnancy, but if there are things I can "sacrifice" to make sure other women can be preserved from pain, I want to do that too.
I struggled with whether to have a gender reveal. I struggled with whether I should post bump pictures on social media. I struggled with how I should respond when people ask me how I'm feeling. If I mention my pregnancy hardships am I being ungrateful or just truthful? I struggle with all the attention my sweet protruding bump now gets. My baby shower makes me nervous!
It's just a tricky balance. Don't hear me say I'm ashamed in any way. I do not have survivor's guilt. I am proud of this baby growing in me. I just want to always be considerate and respectful. I've been there.
I know that if I swing too far one way, I could easily slip into shame or guilt. I think I've given myself much grace to fully enjoy this season. I think I have also pushed myself to consider what I truly deem necessary to enjoy my pregnancy. It varies for everyone. I know there were several things I didn't want to do, especially on social media, just because I didn't think the cost of causing someone to feel pain was worth it to me. My enjoyment of my pregnancy didn't rise and fall on some of those things. To others it may! So no judgement here on how anyone walks through their pregnancy.
I do not know how my body will handle future pregnancies or even if my body will allow me to ever be pregnant again, so I have tried hard to fully enjoy every minute I can of this season. In the grand scheme of things, my pregnancy has been incredibly easy, and I have loved it! I will truly miss being pregnant. However, I know once I have my baby girl in my arms I will not want it any other way.
So as we speed into week 34 (OMG!), here's to the last few weeks until we meet our baby girl! We are so ready!
In the blink of an eye, everything in our world changed, yet nothing in our world really changed? We had those two pink lines which meant life, but we still had 9 months to go until we would welcome our baby. This transition from infertility to pregnancy was incredibly odd, exciting, overwhelming, amazing, and bizarre all at once.
We had waited and waited and prayed and prayed and BAM there were those two lines we had so desperately yearned for. It felt like the highest high, but I also felt really detached as well? I know that sounds really ungrateful, but it's really hard to describe that moment. I wish I had better words. I think it felt unbelievable, like this wasn't our story, but I was watching someone else's story unfold. There was no way this could be happening to us. It felt like an outer body experience, that I was watching someone else walk through.
*Side note* Strangely one of my first thoughts was, OH THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GOING TO THE DOLLAR TREE AND BUYING 75 PREGNANCY TESTS AT ONCE! All the cashiers knew me and knew what I was buying when I stepped into their line. It was one of those experiences that infertility forced me to invite strangers into a really intimate place, not by choice. Infertility has a way of riding you of all privacy.
I think I expected our sorrow to completely disappear or be replaced only with joy, BECAUSE WE WERE PREGNANT!
However, it didn't happen quite like that. It took me much longer to shake the haunting effects of infertility. The cloud lingered and stuck around for quite some time. I wanted so badly to shake the hurts of infertility loose, but sometimes the heart and brain need a minute to catch up to reality.
I think I expected a switch to go off in my mind, sad to happy! Disappointed to fulfilled! Pain to rejoicing! But I'm learning moving from the depths of grief into seasons of light sometimes don't transition that seamlessly, at least for me it didn't.
Things like baby showers and baby dedications were still really scary to me, and I couldn't exactly tell you why. Habit? Fear? Or maybe the enemy was still whispering in my ear? Possibly all of that? I really don't know.
The first trimester was terrifying because the "M" word haunted me. Miscarriage.
One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Low progesterone can lead to miscarriages, and I was on progesterone supplements because mine was so low. I was terrified our good news, our season of light and life would end. Everything has been so painful and so dark, why would we experience anything so good? Surely, this goodness won't last. It was hard to attach to such a good gift, because I was terrified it would be stripped away from us.
I found it difficult to emotionally attach and accept the news in the first trimester. We were starting to tell friends and family who were obviously THRILLED for us, and sometimes I felt like I had to force excitement, because I kept myself detached. I was terrified something would happen.
Let me pause here and talk to some people. Friends who have had a miscarriage, I am sorry. The word itself sounds so passive, but it's not a passive experience. It's loss and traumatizing loss at that, so I don't write about miscarriage lightly. I know just the word itself can stir pain in your heart. I am deeply sorry. I'm sorry that one of my greatest fears was actually a reality for you. Your strength to endure is inspiring. I pray Jesus continues to minister to and heal your heart.
I think if I could sum up my first trimester of pregnancy, it would be described as an outer body experience. It didn't feel real, or maybe I wouldn't let it feel real out of fear. It's truly hard to describe. Some of that has lingered throughout my pregnancy, but it has decreased greatly now that we know we're having a daughter, she has a name, I feel her move, and have seen her precious face.
I think it's important to speak about the victories God has brought into our lives. He has done a great work and He is greatly to be praised for that! I do not feel any shame about my pregnancy. I feel thankful, grateful, and in awe that the Lord has given us this miracle.
However, I want to be considerate to those around me. I know that the mere presence of my rounded belly when I walk into a room will pour salt into wounds for some. I've been there, I know that feeling all too well. I know that pictures of ultrasounds can send you into a tailspin. *Spoiler there is a picture at the end of this post if that will be difficult for you.* I know that hearing another woman have an ultrasound done and the loud thuds of her baby's heartbeat bouncing off the walls can make you stare blankly at the wall while you wait in the hallway just to see if your deathly silent ultrasound will merely confirm if you ovulated at all this month, or if you're on the correct dosage of medicine.
I know those feelings of devastating pain all too well, and I want to prevent casting those feelings onto others if I can. I never want to hide or be ashamed of my pregnancy, but I also don't want to unnecessarily flaunt my baby which can unintentionally be hurtful. It's a tricky balance. I want to fully enjoy my pregnancy, but if there are things I can "sacrifice" to make sure other women can be preserved from pain, I want to do that too.
I struggled with whether to have a gender reveal. I struggled with whether I should post bump pictures on social media. I struggled with how I should respond when people ask me how I'm feeling. If I mention my pregnancy hardships am I being ungrateful or just truthful? I struggle with all the attention my sweet protruding bump now gets. My baby shower makes me nervous!
It's just a tricky balance. Don't hear me say I'm ashamed in any way. I do not have survivor's guilt. I am proud of this baby growing in me. I just want to always be considerate and respectful. I've been there.
I know that if I swing too far one way, I could easily slip into shame or guilt. I think I've given myself much grace to fully enjoy this season. I think I have also pushed myself to consider what I truly deem necessary to enjoy my pregnancy. It varies for everyone. I know there were several things I didn't want to do, especially on social media, just because I didn't think the cost of causing someone to feel pain was worth it to me. My enjoyment of my pregnancy didn't rise and fall on some of those things. To others it may! So no judgement here on how anyone walks through their pregnancy.
I do not know how my body will handle future pregnancies or even if my body will allow me to ever be pregnant again, so I have tried hard to fully enjoy every minute I can of this season. In the grand scheme of things, my pregnancy has been incredibly easy, and I have loved it! I will truly miss being pregnant. However, I know once I have my baby girl in my arms I will not want it any other way.
So as we speed into week 34 (OMG!), here's to the last few weeks until we meet our baby girl! We are so ready!
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| If you saw Chris's newborn picture, you would notice I'm basically birthing his twin. |
Hey Dayton! I came across your blog on Facebook and just wanted to say thank you for writing it! It took Dustin and I three years before God blessed us with our sweet girl. She is now 3 months, but I went through a lot of the same feelings when I was pregnant with her. It was even a little surreal after having her and bringing her home. Praying for a safe delivery and healthy baby girl! So happy for you :)
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