Resources for Infertility
Not very much brought about feeling understood more than reading about other's journeys through infertility. Some blogs and books I read had neatly tied together endings where the couple conceived a child, and others were still on this journey to grow a family.
Often, I didn't have any new revelations by reading these books or blogs, but the feeling of being understood, knowing I wasn't crazy, and identifying with someone else in their struggle was really comforting.
I came across some great books and blogs. I also came across some terrible books and blogs. I'm going to make a list at the end of this post about great resources, so stay until the end!
What I would consider a good book/blog about infertility is one that doesn't make you feel shame about your experiences or reactions. Also, if the book/blog related their infertility back to their spiritual walk, I cared about how they saw infertility through their theology.
I am NO master of understanding the things of God and don't claim to have a corner on truth, especially when it comes to understanding God's purpose in infertility. However I would like to point out a few things we connect to our God/infertility relationship that can potentially be really hurtful.
"If you just fast and pray and give it to God, He'll give you a baby!"
I have been told this and read this in several blogs. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe God hears our cries. I believe that the Lord is powerful enough to conquer whatever is messed up in my body to bring forth a child.
However, I had been praying. I had been fasting. I had been pleading with Jesus for a child. And we didn't have a child for a long time. Am I doing this wrong? Do I not have enough trust in Jesus? Am I not praying enough? Do I not have the Lord's ear? Does he care about me?
See the questions this can cause in someone walking through pain when we try to give a really simplistic "Jesus" answer to complex grief?
I believed wholeheartedly that God could give me a baby, but He wasn't. For a very long two and a half years. That's a long time to sit and ponder about whether I'm doing this whole Jesus thing right, because based on what you're implying if I just prayed a little more we'd have a baby.
I have friends who have prayed for years longer than I ever did for a baby and they have still never conceived a child, and they are some of the strongest believers in Jesus that I know.
Jackie Hill Perry shared on her social media recently, When your trial seems to be far from over remember it’s only lasting as long as it should.
The Lord brings about seasons and trials in our lives for a purpose and reason. Sometimes we learn what those reasons are, and sometimes we will never know this side of eternity. However, I just don't believe that if we follow this magic formula by having faith plus some prayer and add a dash of fasting, we will always leave our pain and enter into a season we desire. I just don't think the Lord works like that. Now, He may deliver you after praying fervently, if it's His will. But A +B does not always = C when it comes to the will of God.
I think what would be more appropriate and helpful for me to hear instead would be, "Continue to pray for God's will to unfold for your family. If he wills for you to conceive a child, we are praying with you that He brings that to you soon, because we see you're hurting. We're praying that the Lord can make you satisfied in His will for your family's life."
"The Lord is faithful, He will give you a child!"
Ok, but what if He doesn't? Is His faithfulness contingent upon that? If He has not given us a child yet or chooses not to, does that mean He is not faithful to us?
I think this one bothered me a lot. If we can only see the Lord's faithfulness when He gives us what we are wanting, then we're missing the point. When people would say Jesus is faithful, He'll give you a baby, it made me wonder what does that imply to my friends who have never conceived? He is not faithful to them?
I worked really hard to counter this idea that his faithfulness is contingent only upon our perceived answered prayers by looking for his faithfulness throughout this journey. Baby does not equal faithfulness.
Having friends to speak life into me in dark days was his faithfulness. Finding a good, supportive counselor in this journey was his faithfulness. Having breath in my lungs when my tears left me gasping for air was his faithfulness. Hearing the perfect song, or reading the perfect verse of Scripture in just the right moment was his faithfulness. Having Chris wrap his arms around me after a discouraging doctors appointment was his faithfulness.
Baby does not equal faithfulness.
Instead of saying this, it would be more appropriate to say, "The Lord is always faithful to you. He loves you and cares for you deeply. His mercies for you are new every morning. What are ways you can see his faithfulness in your life today?"
"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and stripped before the Lord will answer you."
Please don't say this or type this out in your blog for someone who is struggling to get out of bed every day because they are so sad. They are rock bottom. They are stripped. I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with depression. That's pretty bare and raw. And you sound a lot like Job's friends.
That's all I'll say on that one.
I really don't even have a replacement phrase for that, because that just needs to be eliminated from your talking points. Sorry! :)
Overall, I came across some really incredible and helpful resources while walking through infertility. Here are a few that I'd like to share with you.
Books:
Every Drunken Cheerleader, Why Not Me by Kristine Ireland Waits
This book made me laugh. Sometimes things just hurt so much you need to laugh. She wrote from a perspective of faith as well as a humorous perspective. I really appreciated that about this book.
Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Dr. Janet Jaffe, Dr. Martha Diamond, and Dr. David Diamond
This book was written from a very clinical perspective. It was very objective and to the point. My psychology background really valued that in this book. It is not written from a warm tone, but one that's informative. I appreciated them pulling back the emotion of the subject and writing very academically.
Hannah's Hope:Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake
Just about every book that deals with infertility and God will have something about Hannah in the title. Hannah is my girl. I initially thought this book would be really cheesy, but it was actually probably the best book I read. It covers a wide array of topics in relation to infertility, and I really jived with Jennifer Saake on her theology. I felt like she really cared about me while I read this book.
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet: Tasting the Goodness of God in All Things by Sara Hagerty
This isn't a book solely about infertility. That is a big part of her story, however she talks more about a rounder knowledge in experiencing God's goodness in hardship. Her writing style can be a little hard to follow, it's very Ann Voskamp (who I love!), but you know what I mean if you've read one of Ann's books. It's almost like poetry instead of prose to me.
A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson
This book does not mention the word infertility once, but it was helpful for me in learning to endure. Our society wants things now. This book dove into the Psalms of Ascent and broke them down to help one understand the enduring journey of faith.
Blogs:
My friend Tricia has a blog that she discusses a wide array of topics from infertility, to adoption, to motherhood. She is the real deal, yall. She constantly messaged me and would check in on me throughout our fertility journey. I would send her messages 3 miles long, because I knew she would understand me. Whenever I see a new Tricia blog out, the Lord always uses it to minister to me. I love you and I'm thankful for you, friend.
https://calebandtricia.blogspot.com
I don't actually know the author behind this next blog, but my friend Hannah shared it with me or on her Facebook page (I can't remember!) and I have been quietly following it ever since. I am thankful for Erika's grace and faith in her blog. Some of her thoughts have been eerily similar to mine. Maybe I'll work up the never to message her one day!
http://www.marriedinmilesquarecity.com
Lastly, I follow Waiting For Baby Bird on Facebook. Elisha is a person who just has a way with words. She can summarize the pain of infertility so well. She and her husband are foster parents, and I have really appreciated reading from that perspective as well considering I work with the foster care community.
https://www.facebook.com/waitingforbabybird/
If you have good books or blogs that were helpful in your fertility journey please leave them in the comments! I'd love to know more resources.
Often, I didn't have any new revelations by reading these books or blogs, but the feeling of being understood, knowing I wasn't crazy, and identifying with someone else in their struggle was really comforting.
I came across some great books and blogs. I also came across some terrible books and blogs. I'm going to make a list at the end of this post about great resources, so stay until the end!
What I would consider a good book/blog about infertility is one that doesn't make you feel shame about your experiences or reactions. Also, if the book/blog related their infertility back to their spiritual walk, I cared about how they saw infertility through their theology.
I am NO master of understanding the things of God and don't claim to have a corner on truth, especially when it comes to understanding God's purpose in infertility. However I would like to point out a few things we connect to our God/infertility relationship that can potentially be really hurtful.
"If you just fast and pray and give it to God, He'll give you a baby!"
I have been told this and read this in several blogs. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe God hears our cries. I believe that the Lord is powerful enough to conquer whatever is messed up in my body to bring forth a child.
However, I had been praying. I had been fasting. I had been pleading with Jesus for a child. And we didn't have a child for a long time. Am I doing this wrong? Do I not have enough trust in Jesus? Am I not praying enough? Do I not have the Lord's ear? Does he care about me?
See the questions this can cause in someone walking through pain when we try to give a really simplistic "Jesus" answer to complex grief?
I believed wholeheartedly that God could give me a baby, but He wasn't. For a very long two and a half years. That's a long time to sit and ponder about whether I'm doing this whole Jesus thing right, because based on what you're implying if I just prayed a little more we'd have a baby.
I have friends who have prayed for years longer than I ever did for a baby and they have still never conceived a child, and they are some of the strongest believers in Jesus that I know.
Jackie Hill Perry shared on her social media recently, When your trial seems to be far from over remember it’s only lasting as long as it should.
The Lord brings about seasons and trials in our lives for a purpose and reason. Sometimes we learn what those reasons are, and sometimes we will never know this side of eternity. However, I just don't believe that if we follow this magic formula by having faith plus some prayer and add a dash of fasting, we will always leave our pain and enter into a season we desire. I just don't think the Lord works like that. Now, He may deliver you after praying fervently, if it's His will. But A +B does not always = C when it comes to the will of God.
I think what would be more appropriate and helpful for me to hear instead would be, "Continue to pray for God's will to unfold for your family. If he wills for you to conceive a child, we are praying with you that He brings that to you soon, because we see you're hurting. We're praying that the Lord can make you satisfied in His will for your family's life."
"The Lord is faithful, He will give you a child!"
Ok, but what if He doesn't? Is His faithfulness contingent upon that? If He has not given us a child yet or chooses not to, does that mean He is not faithful to us?
I think this one bothered me a lot. If we can only see the Lord's faithfulness when He gives us what we are wanting, then we're missing the point. When people would say Jesus is faithful, He'll give you a baby, it made me wonder what does that imply to my friends who have never conceived? He is not faithful to them?
I worked really hard to counter this idea that his faithfulness is contingent only upon our perceived answered prayers by looking for his faithfulness throughout this journey. Baby does not equal faithfulness.
Having friends to speak life into me in dark days was his faithfulness. Finding a good, supportive counselor in this journey was his faithfulness. Having breath in my lungs when my tears left me gasping for air was his faithfulness. Hearing the perfect song, or reading the perfect verse of Scripture in just the right moment was his faithfulness. Having Chris wrap his arms around me after a discouraging doctors appointment was his faithfulness.
Baby does not equal faithfulness.
Instead of saying this, it would be more appropriate to say, "The Lord is always faithful to you. He loves you and cares for you deeply. His mercies for you are new every morning. What are ways you can see his faithfulness in your life today?"
"Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and stripped before the Lord will answer you."
Please don't say this or type this out in your blog for someone who is struggling to get out of bed every day because they are so sad. They are rock bottom. They are stripped. I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with depression. That's pretty bare and raw. And you sound a lot like Job's friends.
That's all I'll say on that one.
I really don't even have a replacement phrase for that, because that just needs to be eliminated from your talking points. Sorry! :)
Overall, I came across some really incredible and helpful resources while walking through infertility. Here are a few that I'd like to share with you.
Books:
Every Drunken Cheerleader, Why Not Me by Kristine Ireland Waits
This book made me laugh. Sometimes things just hurt so much you need to laugh. She wrote from a perspective of faith as well as a humorous perspective. I really appreciated that about this book.
Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Dr. Janet Jaffe, Dr. Martha Diamond, and Dr. David Diamond
This book was written from a very clinical perspective. It was very objective and to the point. My psychology background really valued that in this book. It is not written from a warm tone, but one that's informative. I appreciated them pulling back the emotion of the subject and writing very academically.
Hannah's Hope:Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake
Just about every book that deals with infertility and God will have something about Hannah in the title. Hannah is my girl. I initially thought this book would be really cheesy, but it was actually probably the best book I read. It covers a wide array of topics in relation to infertility, and I really jived with Jennifer Saake on her theology. I felt like she really cared about me while I read this book.
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet: Tasting the Goodness of God in All Things by Sara Hagerty
This isn't a book solely about infertility. That is a big part of her story, however she talks more about a rounder knowledge in experiencing God's goodness in hardship. Her writing style can be a little hard to follow, it's very Ann Voskamp (who I love!), but you know what I mean if you've read one of Ann's books. It's almost like poetry instead of prose to me.
A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson
This book does not mention the word infertility once, but it was helpful for me in learning to endure. Our society wants things now. This book dove into the Psalms of Ascent and broke them down to help one understand the enduring journey of faith.
Blogs:
My friend Tricia has a blog that she discusses a wide array of topics from infertility, to adoption, to motherhood. She is the real deal, yall. She constantly messaged me and would check in on me throughout our fertility journey. I would send her messages 3 miles long, because I knew she would understand me. Whenever I see a new Tricia blog out, the Lord always uses it to minister to me. I love you and I'm thankful for you, friend.
https://calebandtricia.blogspot.com
I don't actually know the author behind this next blog, but my friend Hannah shared it with me or on her Facebook page (I can't remember!) and I have been quietly following it ever since. I am thankful for Erika's grace and faith in her blog. Some of her thoughts have been eerily similar to mine. Maybe I'll work up the never to message her one day!
http://www.marriedinmilesquarecity.com
Lastly, I follow Waiting For Baby Bird on Facebook. Elisha is a person who just has a way with words. She can summarize the pain of infertility so well. She and her husband are foster parents, and I have really appreciated reading from that perspective as well considering I work with the foster care community.
https://www.facebook.com/waitingforbabybird/
If you have good books or blogs that were helpful in your fertility journey please leave them in the comments! I'd love to know more resources.
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