Learning to Cope
I have shared with you all descriptions of what the pain of infertility looks and feels like. It is at times overwhelming, constant, and gut wrenching. It can be really easy to be lead astray in the deep pains of infertility. It can be very easy to become depressed, anxious, or even ashamed.
I admit that I have spent many days in dark places. Some days I am strong and confident and trusting in the Lord. Other days I am an anxious wreck full of doubt and fears. Sometimes I am all of the above just in one single hour!
However, I would like to share with you all some things that have really been beneficial in my coping and learning to continue to fully live while struggling with infertility. I think I can summarize these coping skills into four categories:
1. Create a Support System
2. Combat the Lies
3. Self Care
4. Spiritual Parenting
Let's look at each of these things a little deeper.
Support System
I cannot express enough the importance of having a good support system. Just like anything you walk through in life, you are much more likely to thrive if you have people around you.
In 1 Corinthians Paul compares the Body of Christ to a literal human body, explaining how all parts are integral and need the other to function well. I think this is true not just how we see it play out in the Church, but in our individual lives as well.
We need each other. We were not made to do life on our own.
My obvious most intimate and important person walking with me in this is my husband. People are sometimes confused and think that the wife is the only person in the marriage that struggles with the heartache of infertility and that's just not true. My husband wants children just like I do.
He has been constant, supportive, strong, and a ray of light when I have been discouraged, disappointed, and sinking into darkness. This season would be so much more crippling if it were not for him.
He has been a reminder that Jesus is good and loves me, but in a kind and tender way. He has never made me feel ashamed of my struggles and doubts as I have walked through this. He has tenderly always led me back to Truth.
It can be scary to invite people into your intimate pain. It's such a vulnerable thing to do. It is so necessary though. I have had probably about 10-15 people that have been my people are prayer, my encouragers, my support, my shoulders to cry on, and someone to make me laugh in these terrible days.
Can I just talk about those people for a minute? I have friends that check in before and after doctor's appointments. I have friends that literally track my cycle with me so they know how to pray for me on a day to day basis. I have friends that are fasting for us right now. I have friends that think of us in hard moments and send flowers and cards on Mother's Day. I just have good people. Point blank period. They love us so well.
My husband has also had the greatest group of men surrounding him. In a world that tells men to be strong and not show emotion or you're deemed weak, finding a group of men to walk with him through this has been incredibly beautiful. They listen, pray for, and encourage him so deeply. You all know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my husband so well.
I know that I would be in the fetal position in the corner somewhere if it were not for a good support system.
Combat the Lies
Infertility can lead you to feel insufficient.You can easily believe lies you aren't good enough and something is wrong with you.
This probably sounds Sunday school-ish, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. Be in the Word. Read Scripture. You have to fight all the lies that swirl in your head, and the only way that you can truly do that is by pouring TRUTH into your soul. The lies can leave you parched and drained, but the Word of the Lord is the Living Water that restores your soul.
Taking your thoughts captive can be incredibly exhausting, but it is incredibly necessary. This is where my Fact, Faith, Feeling train was helpful! If you don't know what that is, go back to a previous post and read about it.
Some days I have no desire to do that, and Chris reads the Word out loud and prays it over me. On days when I can't, Chris does. He knows my soul needs those truths from the Lord.
I also try to combat all those terrible lies by setting goals. I can do all the right things to achieve pregnancy, but still may not be able to get pregnant. However, I know there are some things I can control and I want to focus on those things.
I have set some other goals in life that I know I have the ability to achieve.
I have been working out and running again. Thank you, Trista for being my gym buddy and good, good friend. I do not thank you for making me do burpees.
*Insert Elle Woods quote about exercise giving you endorphins.*
Having physical goals to focus on has been so helpful. I want to be strong! I have been working out, lifting weights, and entering races again. Trista and I ran a 5K, and we ran it well! I set a PR! We crushed our goal! And I felt pretty dang good about it too. Things I can control, like my running and physical strength, I want to set goals in that I know I can work hard to achieve. This really helps combat feelings of insufficiency.
Your goals can look totally different though! You can set work goals or goals in other hobbies you enjoy. Having some type of goal to help you not solely focus on your fertility struggles has been huge for me.
Self Care
This seems like such a new, trendy phrase, but it truly does have so much meaning and purpose behind it. Self care helps you to be the best, most full version of yourself you can be. At a recent bible study my friend Deborah straight took me to SCHOOL when she taught on self care and its companionship to the Sabbath. I wish I could just record what she said and insert it here.
It is important to take care of yourself while you're trying to achieve pregnancy. If you leave stressors unchecked, it can greatly prevent you from getting pregnant.
I can't count how many stories I have heard about people trying to get pregnant and the whole process was so overwhelming and stressful that they decided to take a break. During that "break time" they got pregnant, because their stress levels were lowered.
Stress is a huge factor in the reproductive system. When stress levels go unchecked, our bodies can go haywire. Continual, toxic stress can even lead to a suppression of the reproductive system.
While the above story about taking a "break" is incredibly true, no one ever wants to be told to stop stressing, relax, and then you'll get pregnant. Because while that advice might actually be true, all I hear you say is it's my fault I'm not pregnant because I'm stressed out. That in return makes me more stressed.
What hobbies do you enjoy? What are things that make you feel loved and appreciated? What reminds you that you are made in the Imago Dei?
For me, my self care involved starting counseling. I should have started it from the get-go to help me work through my anger, but it's never too late. Going to counseling was one of the kindest things I ever did for myself.
I also found journaling to be a really healthy way for me to sort through my pain. If I left all of my emotions bottled up inside, I know it would produce such unhealthy stress. Writing helped me to get all of those emotions and thoughts out on paper.
Do you enjoy painting? Pedicures? Spending time with friends? Traveling? Reading a book at Starbucks? How can you make sure you are caring for yourself in this time of potentially high stress and high anxiety?
Spiritual Parenting
This concept may take a minute for me to unpack. It's a term our church uses often to describe how the Body is called to care for one another.
Even though Chris and I do not have biological children, we are still called to be a part of the lives of children around us. Just because we don't have our own, doesn't mean we can't invest in the children God has surrounded us by.
I want to go to Izeauh's Kindergarten graduation and cheer for him. I want to color with Annie and Avery while mommy and daddy are on a date. I want to teach little Pre-schoolers at church about who Jesus is, even if Abe asks me questions about dinosaurs and two headed snakes I can't answer. I enjoy reading books to G* before he goes to bed at night, and feeding Andi Grace her last bottle before bedtime. I feel loved when Owen lets me hold him at community group. Cal is actively plotting how to get rid of Chris so he can marry me. It's a joy to pick Arianna and Anora up from school! My nieces and nephews are my whole world. I have more pictures of Eloise in my house than Chris and myself. I even know in some weird way Kai is loving me when he smacks me with his plastic sword.
Spiritual parenting is so much more than just mentoring. It's caring about seeing Christ become known to the children around us, no matter who they "belong" to. Maybe that's through the way we care and love them or maybe that's more direct by teaching about him.
My husband has been so great and intentional to invest in the high school boys in our youth group. He takes them camping and rafting and invites them over for ribs! He talks with them about hard things and cares for their souls.
It can be so tempting to see the season of infertility as one that's wasting away. It feels like time is absolutely wasted. However, that's not true. I can still live, thrive, and invest during this time.
I can babysit for my friends that are married with kids. I know they need a break, and I'll need one too one day. I'm keeping a list of everyone that owes me--kidding! I know that my friends that are fostering need extra love and support as they walk through such a time of great uncertainty. My brave friends that are single parents appreciate extra hands and hearts to love on their family.
What I'm learning is this: focusing on others and learning to care for those around me in this time is incredibly healing. It takes my attention away from my wounds in a healthy way and allows me to see and meet other's needs.
Friends that have struggled to have children, what have been really important steps in your healing? What are things that have truly helped you continue to thrive in such a dark season? I would love to hear your story and what has helped you.
I admit that I have spent many days in dark places. Some days I am strong and confident and trusting in the Lord. Other days I am an anxious wreck full of doubt and fears. Sometimes I am all of the above just in one single hour!
However, I would like to share with you all some things that have really been beneficial in my coping and learning to continue to fully live while struggling with infertility. I think I can summarize these coping skills into four categories:
1. Create a Support System
2. Combat the Lies
3. Self Care
4. Spiritual Parenting
Let's look at each of these things a little deeper.
Support System
I cannot express enough the importance of having a good support system. Just like anything you walk through in life, you are much more likely to thrive if you have people around you.
In 1 Corinthians Paul compares the Body of Christ to a literal human body, explaining how all parts are integral and need the other to function well. I think this is true not just how we see it play out in the Church, but in our individual lives as well.
We need each other. We were not made to do life on our own.
My obvious most intimate and important person walking with me in this is my husband. People are sometimes confused and think that the wife is the only person in the marriage that struggles with the heartache of infertility and that's just not true. My husband wants children just like I do.
He has been constant, supportive, strong, and a ray of light when I have been discouraged, disappointed, and sinking into darkness. This season would be so much more crippling if it were not for him.
He has been a reminder that Jesus is good and loves me, but in a kind and tender way. He has never made me feel ashamed of my struggles and doubts as I have walked through this. He has tenderly always led me back to Truth.
It can be scary to invite people into your intimate pain. It's such a vulnerable thing to do. It is so necessary though. I have had probably about 10-15 people that have been my people are prayer, my encouragers, my support, my shoulders to cry on, and someone to make me laugh in these terrible days.
Can I just talk about those people for a minute? I have friends that check in before and after doctor's appointments. I have friends that literally track my cycle with me so they know how to pray for me on a day to day basis. I have friends that are fasting for us right now. I have friends that think of us in hard moments and send flowers and cards on Mother's Day. I just have good people. Point blank period. They love us so well.
My husband has also had the greatest group of men surrounding him. In a world that tells men to be strong and not show emotion or you're deemed weak, finding a group of men to walk with him through this has been incredibly beautiful. They listen, pray for, and encourage him so deeply. You all know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my husband so well.
I know that I would be in the fetal position in the corner somewhere if it were not for a good support system.
Combat the Lies
Infertility can lead you to feel insufficient.You can easily believe lies you aren't good enough and something is wrong with you.
This probably sounds Sunday school-ish, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. Be in the Word. Read Scripture. You have to fight all the lies that swirl in your head, and the only way that you can truly do that is by pouring TRUTH into your soul. The lies can leave you parched and drained, but the Word of the Lord is the Living Water that restores your soul.
Taking your thoughts captive can be incredibly exhausting, but it is incredibly necessary. This is where my Fact, Faith, Feeling train was helpful! If you don't know what that is, go back to a previous post and read about it.
Some days I have no desire to do that, and Chris reads the Word out loud and prays it over me. On days when I can't, Chris does. He knows my soul needs those truths from the Lord.
I also try to combat all those terrible lies by setting goals. I can do all the right things to achieve pregnancy, but still may not be able to get pregnant. However, I know there are some things I can control and I want to focus on those things.
I have set some other goals in life that I know I have the ability to achieve.
I have been working out and running again. Thank you, Trista for being my gym buddy and good, good friend. I do not thank you for making me do burpees.
*Insert Elle Woods quote about exercise giving you endorphins.*
Having physical goals to focus on has been so helpful. I want to be strong! I have been working out, lifting weights, and entering races again. Trista and I ran a 5K, and we ran it well! I set a PR! We crushed our goal! And I felt pretty dang good about it too. Things I can control, like my running and physical strength, I want to set goals in that I know I can work hard to achieve. This really helps combat feelings of insufficiency.
Your goals can look totally different though! You can set work goals or goals in other hobbies you enjoy. Having some type of goal to help you not solely focus on your fertility struggles has been huge for me.
Self Care
This seems like such a new, trendy phrase, but it truly does have so much meaning and purpose behind it. Self care helps you to be the best, most full version of yourself you can be. At a recent bible study my friend Deborah straight took me to SCHOOL when she taught on self care and its companionship to the Sabbath. I wish I could just record what she said and insert it here.
It is important to take care of yourself while you're trying to achieve pregnancy. If you leave stressors unchecked, it can greatly prevent you from getting pregnant.
I can't count how many stories I have heard about people trying to get pregnant and the whole process was so overwhelming and stressful that they decided to take a break. During that "break time" they got pregnant, because their stress levels were lowered.
Stress is a huge factor in the reproductive system. When stress levels go unchecked, our bodies can go haywire. Continual, toxic stress can even lead to a suppression of the reproductive system.
While the above story about taking a "break" is incredibly true, no one ever wants to be told to stop stressing, relax, and then you'll get pregnant. Because while that advice might actually be true, all I hear you say is it's my fault I'm not pregnant because I'm stressed out. That in return makes me more stressed.
What hobbies do you enjoy? What are things that make you feel loved and appreciated? What reminds you that you are made in the Imago Dei?
For me, my self care involved starting counseling. I should have started it from the get-go to help me work through my anger, but it's never too late. Going to counseling was one of the kindest things I ever did for myself.
I also found journaling to be a really healthy way for me to sort through my pain. If I left all of my emotions bottled up inside, I know it would produce such unhealthy stress. Writing helped me to get all of those emotions and thoughts out on paper.
Do you enjoy painting? Pedicures? Spending time with friends? Traveling? Reading a book at Starbucks? How can you make sure you are caring for yourself in this time of potentially high stress and high anxiety?
Spiritual Parenting
This concept may take a minute for me to unpack. It's a term our church uses often to describe how the Body is called to care for one another.
Even though Chris and I do not have biological children, we are still called to be a part of the lives of children around us. Just because we don't have our own, doesn't mean we can't invest in the children God has surrounded us by.
I want to go to Izeauh's Kindergarten graduation and cheer for him. I want to color with Annie and Avery while mommy and daddy are on a date. I want to teach little Pre-schoolers at church about who Jesus is, even if Abe asks me questions about dinosaurs and two headed snakes I can't answer. I enjoy reading books to G* before he goes to bed at night, and feeding Andi Grace her last bottle before bedtime. I feel loved when Owen lets me hold him at community group. Cal is actively plotting how to get rid of Chris so he can marry me. It's a joy to pick Arianna and Anora up from school! My nieces and nephews are my whole world. I have more pictures of Eloise in my house than Chris and myself. I even know in some weird way Kai is loving me when he smacks me with his plastic sword.
Spiritual parenting is so much more than just mentoring. It's caring about seeing Christ become known to the children around us, no matter who they "belong" to. Maybe that's through the way we care and love them or maybe that's more direct by teaching about him.
My husband has been so great and intentional to invest in the high school boys in our youth group. He takes them camping and rafting and invites them over for ribs! He talks with them about hard things and cares for their souls.
It can be so tempting to see the season of infertility as one that's wasting away. It feels like time is absolutely wasted. However, that's not true. I can still live, thrive, and invest during this time.
I can babysit for my friends that are married with kids. I know they need a break, and I'll need one too one day. I'm keeping a list of everyone that owes me--kidding! I know that my friends that are fostering need extra love and support as they walk through such a time of great uncertainty. My brave friends that are single parents appreciate extra hands and hearts to love on their family.
What I'm learning is this: focusing on others and learning to care for those around me in this time is incredibly healing. It takes my attention away from my wounds in a healthy way and allows me to see and meet other's needs.
Friends that have struggled to have children, what have been really important steps in your healing? What are things that have truly helped you continue to thrive in such a dark season? I would love to hear your story and what has helped you.
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